Category Archives: Peacemaking

The 5 Biggest Areas of Conflict for Couples

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The 5 Biggest Areas of Conflict for Couples

Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott

BY DRS. LES AND LESLIE PARROTT 
MAY 13, 2013

 

Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott are #1 New York Times best-selling authors of numerous books, includingLove Talk and the award-winning Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts. Their new book The Good Fight: How Conflict Can Bring You Closer releasesApril 22 from Worthy Publishing. VisitLesAndLeslie.com.

 

Conflict is inevitable in marriage, but here’s how to fight well.
One of the most common misconceptions in marriages today is that fighting is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. But is it? Is a healthy marriage really one completely absent of conflict?

As a psychologist (Les) and a marriage and family therapist (Leslie), married since 1984, we don’t claim to have a perfect relationship. We fight—just like every other couple on the planet. But we’ve learned a secret:  There’s a difference between a bad fight and a good fight.

And when a couple learns to fight a good fight, the conflict actually brings them closer.

WE’VE LEARNED A SECRET:  THERE’S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD FIGHT AND A GOOD FIGHT.

 

All couples generally fight over the same five things: money, sex, work, parenting and housework. Most argue about these five issues over and over again because these are all stressors that speak to our sense of love and fairness.

But you can learn to fight about them in a healthy way. Here are some tools to help you cool down “The Big Five.”

Money

Allow us to say it straight: Money fights between couples are rarely about money. So if you want to minimize a currency conflict, trace it back to the fear that’s fueling it.

Instead of fighting over the amount of money that was spent on who-knows-what, shift the focus toward what really matters: (1) your fear of not having influence in important issues impacting your life, (2) your fear of not having security in your future, (3) your fear of having no respect shown for your values, or (4) your fear of not realizing your dreams.

Sex

To keep sexual grievances down and the marital bedsprings bouncing, we recommend focusing on solving “coordination failure.” It’s a common problem in marriages. The number-one reason people report not having sex in their marriage is “Too tired,” followed closely by “Not in the mood.” Most of the time, that’s code, knowingly or not, for having mismatched sex drives.

So start talking about it. As we write this, we can almost feel you cringing. For most couples, talking about sex is about as comfortable as sleeping in a car. Yet it’s a conversation that’s critically important to aligning your libidos and minimizing your conflicts. When the time is right, when both of you are relaxed and not distracted, ask each other to explain when you feel most eager to head to bed. Your answers may surprise you.

Work

 

We’ve got two words for you: date night. We know. You’ve heard this a thousand times: do a weekly date night or your marriage will suffer. Sounds more like a threat than friendly advice, doesn’t it? But it’s a surefire way to keep career conflict to a minimum.

MARRIAGE IS LIVED BEST WHEN YOU’RE NOT TRYING TO BALANCE THE SCALES.

 

In spite of this frequent advice, the message doesn’t seem to be getting through. Here’s how often married people, aged 25 to 50 with two or more children, have a date night:

  • Once a week: 4 percent
  • Once a month: 21 percent
  • Once every two to three months: 21 percent
  • Once every four to six months: 18 percent
  • Once every seven months or less often: 36 percent

Yikes! We can do better than that, and there’s good reason to do it. The National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia recently released a report titled “The Date Night Opportunity.” This study found that husbands and wives who set aside a deliberate time to connect and have fun at least once a week were approximately three and a half times more likely to report being “very happy” in their marriages.

Children

The solution for nearly any parenting conflict is found in getting on the same page and presenting a unified front. Otherwise, your kids play you against each other and add fuel to the parenting fire. Conflict decreases as teamwork increases. It may not be easy to agree with your spouse on the rules and standards you are willing to enforce with your kids. That’s why the first order of business is to iron out differences behind closed doors.

Don’t try to solve your parenting squabbles in the moment—while the kids enjoy the show. The time for presenting your ideas and negotiating trade-offs is when the two of you are alone. Once you reach agreement, stick together. When parents present a united front, there’s no room for recriminating I-told-you-so’s.

Chores

Let’s face it—most housework fights come about because one spouse is keeping score. That’s a bad idea. The scales of marriage are always in flux, and you’re only setting yourselves up for turmoil if you’ve installed a figurative scoreboard in your relationship. Using the division of labor approach does away with all that.

Trina, for example, is better and faster than Dan at both doing the dishes and tidying up around the house. In fact, she does it in half the time it takes him. Given this fact, does it make sense for Dan to do either of these tasks? Not really. What does make sense is for Dan to refresh the water bowl for their pet and prepare their child’s room for bedtime. He’s also quicker at organizing and tracking their finances. He does it in half the time it would take Trina. He’s also pretty good at ironing his own shirts.

You get the idea. It’s simple. Quit trying to divide the household chores down the middle. Marriage is lived best when you’re not trying to balance the scales.

Conflict is a fact of life, but it doesn’t have to be a bad one. When you are your spouse hit up against it next—and you will—go ahead and fight it out, but fight it with the goal to grow closer, to understand him or her better and to love each other well even in the midst of disagreement.

Adapted with permission from The Good Fight by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott © 2013. Published by Worthy Publishing, a division of Worthy Media, Inc., Brentwood, TN. 

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The Offended Brother by Dave Kraft

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Shel Boese  - Dave has a great summary article below.  Proverbs tells us it is the glory of a person to overlook an offense – but if it’s changed the way you think, relate, feel about that person for more than a day or two – you are NOT able to “overlook” it.  So it’s time to engage.  If you wait for more than a day or two – it will create a bitter root in your heart.

FYI – offense and disagreement often go hand in hand.  You will need to grow up to the point where you can love and not flee from those you disagree with.  As a pastor there are always people who disagree with you (and the other way round as well). The toughest folks are those who claim Christ but can’t see that perhaps we simply are going to disagree on something MAJOR.  Can we still get along?

Major usually is on the issues of sins and how to handle them.  There often are secondary sins, which are sins for a particular person because they are convicted in their conscience by the Holy Spirit about something for their life or a season of life.  That’s maturing BUT when they try to make primary (AKA adding to the lists in the NT) for all people – and you – then we’ve got offense and disagreement brewing.  This also means their particular application of a primary text (I could go on about the 10 Commandments in particular the misunderstandings around the Sabbath and the Lord’s Name in Vain).  These are dicier – but that’s why relationship matters – so you can actually talk it out and discover indeed if accountability is needed or agree to disagree.

The greater sin is to forget the second greatest commandment – love your neighbor as yourself stated by Jesus the Savior from brokenness and sin.  If you’re using offense and your definition of sin – to negate what Jesus calls the greatest and second greatest command – you are crafting God in your image. You are putting yourself on His throne -IN HIS NAME – that is taking the Lord’s Name in Vain in the most satanic like way possible.

Step off the throne, humble yourself, go to your sister or brother – and the idol of offense, anger, and bitterness will be smashed step by step. Amen.

 

By Dave Kraft http://theresurgence.com/2012/12/26/the-offended-brother

“A brother offended is more unyielding than a strong city, and quarreling is like the bars of a castle.” Proverbs 18:19

TAKE PAINS TO HAVE A CLEAR CONSCIENCE

Years ago I heard a message that changed the way I view most of my relationships. I was being trained to be a counselor in a Billy Graham crusade and listened as Lorne Sanny, then president of the Navigators, was teaching. He made this comment: “Why does God use Billy Graham the way he does? I believe it is because Billy, more than any other leader I know of, consistently practicesActs 24:16.” Immediately you heard the rustling of Bible pages (in the era before the smartphone) and turning to that verse, which says, “So I always take pains to have a clear conscience toward both God and man.” It left a deep and lasting impression on me and affects me to this day. Good leadership is about maintaining healthy relationships in all directions. Here are a few examples of my own experience with people who have been offended.

IGNORED OFFENSES CAN DESTROY CHURCHES

Once someone is offended and it is not quickly and appropriately dealt with, lots of things can go south, and probably will.

A church I know of is experiencing some difficulties with a former member. He is on the warpath. Talking with current members, writing accusatory emails to the leadership, and the beat goes on. At a meeting the idea surfaced that he was offended months ago and it has never been resolved. Plans are in progress to sit down with this “offended brother” to make amends and ask for forgiveness where it is called for. I have seen one person destroy a church or organization due to an offense that was ignored or not sufficiently resolved. Others take up one person’s offense and the rift continues to grow.

Elapsed time causes more problems than it resolves.

I could continue to give you one story after the other from my own life or in the life of groups and organizations I am acquainted with that have experienced splits, people leaving, and pastors resigning due to people who have been offended (sometimes years ago). Some call it “keeping short accounts.” Dealing with issues between people as quickly as possible is so crucial. Hebrews 12:15 speak about bitterness springing up and defiling many people.

It doesn’t help a leader to ignore offenses and conflicts and sweep them under the proverbial carpet. Sooner or later they will return in one form or the other and cripple your leadership effectiveness.

TIME DOES NOT HEAL ALL OFFENSES

Matthew 5:23–26 and Matthew 18:15–17 contain clear guidelines regarding the responsibility to make things right if an offense is suspected. Both passages of Scripture state that it is my move whether I have offended (sinned against) somebody or they have offended (sinned against) me. Too much is at stake to leave it alone and hope that time will take care of it. It has been my experience that elapsed time causes more problems than it resolves.

The longer I wait, the more unyielding and barred they become.

“Come to terms quickly with your accuser.”

As I look back over my life, one of my regrets is that I didn’t take more initiative to go to people to make things right when I suspected that they had been offended. When I ask myself why I didn’t, pride, fear, and stubbornness come to mind. I play the blame game, like a kid who says, “Johnny hit me first.” Which is to say, it’s Johnny’s responsibility to make it right and not mine. The problem, of course, is that Johnny is saying the same thing about me: that I hit him first and it is my responsibility. So nobody makes a move and the wound remains and grows, eventually affecting many others that soon line up to take sides on the issue.

DEAL WITH IT–NOW

OK, let’s get up close and personal here: Can you think of a person whom you may have offended or has offended you? Is the relationship at a standstill? Are you on talking terms? Is it colder than the North Pole between you? Is there a good chance others will soon be affected? Let me encourage you with Jesus’ words inMatthew 5:25: “Come to terms quickly with your accuser.” Don’t concern yourself with who started it or whose fault it may be. Just do it and do it now!

 

 

Dave is the author of two Re:lit books, Leaders Who Last andMistakes Leaders Make. If you would like him to come to your church or area to speak on leadership, you can contact him here. You can also find more leadership resources on his site. 

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Mercy Church: “Little Pacifism” Everyone Should Work At through Jesus

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Shel – WOW this is what we talk about at Mercy Church please shut up about war and death penalty and abortion – until you LIVE in YOUR Life Biblical peacemaking with others. And we offer Ken Sande’s Peacemaker class as part of our core discipleship process.

 

New Resource! Resolving Everyday Conflict: A Video-based Study for the Church, Workplace, and Beyond!

Check this out from ReKnew

Little Pacifism

from ReKnew by ReKnew

Richard Beck spoke about something he names Little Pacifism on his Experimental Theology website. It’s so easy, in the name of peacemaking, to become angry and aggressive. I suppose this is just part of what it means to be human. However, if we hope to bring the Kingdom of God closer the earth (and to our neighborhoods) it just makes sense to start small, to start where we are. Let’s not behave violently, in the name of non-violence. And, by all means, let’s try to avoid being jerks whenever possible.

From the article:

I think one of the biggest failures of the pacifistic witness is when we don’t practice nonviolence in our personal relations. Pacifism is too often projected onto the global scale. The conversation becomes almost exclusively about war between political powers. And no doubt that’s an important conversation. But it can get a little abstract and philosophical. And some pacifists can be less than charitable toward others. Let’s call this big conversation heroic pacifism.

Me? I don’t think a lot about heroic pacifism. I probably should, but I spend most of my time thinking about violence in my personal relations, how I treat people–my family, people at work, people at church, people in the line at the store, commenters on this blog. My practice of nonviolence isn’t heroic in scale. I practice a little pacifism, a small pacifism. I try not to be a jerk.

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Be Like Jesus – Not a Politician: Why I Simply Do Not Care How Babylon Defines Marriage

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Some thoughts rolling around my head on this issue…

1) Its wrong to die on any political battlefield that puts wall between people and Jesus.  I agree with the political point that Rachel Held-Evans makes here about winning the culture war but loosing a generation: http://rachelheldevans.com/win-culture-war-lose-generation-amendment-one-north-carolina

2) Jesus’ kingdom is NOT OF THIS WORLD.  Political change does not change people truly, it does not change hearts nor does it even create the desire for change, two things the Spirit of Jesus in the church and the human heart experiencing compassion through someone else does.  We are about life-change starting now by salvation through Jesus outrageous love and the indwelling work of the Holy Spirit in Theosis – the fullness of which comes in the life of the world to come after death (or the end of the world as we know it). If my politics slam the gates of the kingdom of God on you BEFORE I ever get to introduce you to Jesus through my life, faults and grace – I’ve failed you.  Ney, I’ve failed my Lord.

excursus: Note Jesus consistently rejected aligning with political parties and even religious parties in his day (note no separation of church and state at all in his day – but advocates of various levels of enmeshment and political action to deal with Rome).  This also meant that he could call people to follow him from the violent zealots to the Helenized.  Do our churches have that kind of appeal – so full of Jesus that some from the most extreme ends of the spectrum are willing to make their politics secondary to Jesus?  NOT if you keep making the Civil Religion Jesus the center instead of the Jesus of the Bible and the Living Resurrected Lord Jesus who is present by the Holy Spirit in the Church!

 

The New Testament tells us the nation that God blesses is HIS nation, the holy Nation of those bought by the Blood of the Lamb.  All kingdoms of the world are simply tools, under the influence of Satan and yet used by God.  They are passing.  There is no “Christian nation” defined by ballots, borders, bullets or bombs.  NOW yes there are Christian influenced nations and policies – but at the end of the day they are not the Kingdom of God – they are not EVER to be thought of as an extension of His kingdom nor of the church.

Civil religion Christianity is an idol and a cheap knock off that will always leave you angry, fearful, and under the sway of politicians, pundits and demons.  It’s also a huge idol in America, and in much of the American church – effectively drawing people away from the real deal.

(FYI this is why in part I am not Mormon or Muslim – Religions that teach the sword is directly connected to their power.  That coercion is acceptable as a tool – and therefore the goal should be to establish a Mormon or Islamic Shariah-based state.  Jesus EXPLICITLY rejected the state/politics as the way to make society better.)

3) Political issues are used by Satan to get the church off mission and onto another mission.  America is best place to live so far.  But it’s still a form of Babylon – perhaps the best kind of Babylon there can possibly be – but still at the end of the day it’s a Babylon.  We are to bless it and work to make it a better place – but our first call is to follow Jesus – that’s the best way to make America a better place.

Be like Jesus -NOT like a politician.  (repeat this to self three times).

AND before all you lefties think I’m preaching to your choir – it applies as much to you as the fundamentalist right!  Many of you are as blinded and co-opted by civil religion as the hard-right is.  Do I need to whip out all the media and hollywood “messianic” swooning from the 2008 election as a recent over the top crazy example? (Or the leaked newsweek cover for 5/14 of the rainbow haloed pres?)

4) How the church defines marriage HAS NEVER BEEN the purpose of marriage definitions in the state/legal area.  Marriage is a covenant in the church BUT its a contract in the world.

5) IF you are going to “defend marriage” through ballots, borders, bombs,  then we REALLY should be working on laws that end divorce and strongly prosecute any alienation of affection, repeal all “no-fault” divorces, go after adulterers with prison time, and generally insist on tracking everyone’s sexual activity.   Focusing on 1.7% to 10% of the population through defining marriage as a one man/one woman – is just a grand distraction from the real enemies of marriage.  (Those are in your heart – what laws will change YOUR heart? hmm…  )

6) Now for a (not so ?) radical suggestion: I believe (perhaps!) the church should work at REMOVING all legal forms of Marriage.  Marriage is NOT a civil contract – it is spiritual and religious.  Therefore should be protected as worship is and who religious groups can hire is, but not sanctioned by the law.  Instead we can advocate for legal civil union/domestic partnerships for all people defining contractual obligations when such arrangements go south and to protect children from destructive/abusive situations.

Quite frankly I say this in most weddings that I perform that as a follower of Jesus and ordained by His church for it’s service, “In the eyes of the state marriage is simply a right to sue someone you would not otherwise be able to if you have a break up.  In the eyes of God/the Church marriage is a covenant – it’s about entering into a new and enduring kind of relationship – what you will do – not so much about something you appeal to.”

So perhaps the best response is on Three-fronts:

1) Begin understanding that Biblical marriage is not about the state – and in fact a counter-intuitive move would be to encouraging believers to no longer pursue legal marriage (perhaps just a domestic partnership to still participate in the system – until we can make marriage no longer a legal category) – believers however ABSOLUTELY should be married by the church community – we should make celebrating covenant marriage and christian sexuality a higher priority.  

2) Work to build up marriages through teachings, helping people create healthy relational and sexual boundaries, getting serious about lust, porn, sexual slavery/trafficking, and loving people outrageously when they are not where the church is on the value of exclusive covenantal  relationships and Christian sexuality.

3) Work on a third-way view of sexuality – the liberals AND the fundamentalist-conservatives both get this one VERY wrong.  From Fred Phelps to Dan Savage – foaming their hatred and misrepresentation of the Bible and sex – we have got to get real.  I written much on this before.  But the church should not be sucked into the current soft science view of orientation or sexuality. The whole H or LGBTQ approach is couched in western soft sciences that are shifting and will look different another 50 years from now.  So let’s not go all funde or liberal – let’s step back and look at the texts as if they might be teaching us something we are not hearing.  I believe they are.

Love is the path to holiness.  Political posturing is not.

 

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Pro-Life is WAY More Than “Pro-birth/anti-abortion”

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At Mercy Church we talk about being holistically pro-life – abortion, war, death-penalty and so on are life issues from a Jesus’ teachings perspective.

AND here’s the deal we are CAUSING abortions IN the church by making it SO POLITICAL!!! The Devil wins the house and the nation on this one.  We create such an unredemptive, two-teir, false-holiness, performing and hiding, unable to affirm secondary pleasures and boundaries culture – that we are creating molech by our POLITICAL CIVIL RELIGION FALSE version of the faith.

The Devil wins when he gets the church to trade the power of God’s redeeming and forgiving and restoring and confessing and healing love revealed fully in Jesus and made real by the shedding of His blood…for the power of the civil religion version of Christianity (or Islam or pop atheism, etc.).

Political pastors on the issues of life will have more blood on their hands than they realize.  They will have to answer Jesus as to why their politics got in the way of the Mission of Jesus to save, heal and redeem.   Why they created a culture of abortion in the church by protecting and projecting false holiness – just like the religious politicians of Jesus day.

The National Association of Evangelicals is attempting to change the tone.  Nothing but praise from this Jesus-loving, Bible-teaching, spirit-filled pastor here.

Be pro-life in the house of God first and foremost.  Love instead of judge – it will change the next generation.

Create a spiritual family that can show another way.  Help out a single mother.  Love, include, and lift up the Biblical standards of sex and the affirmation of pleasure, children and grace because ALL HAVE FALLEN SHORT.

Pregnant?  You are welcome at Mercy Church.  The path to holiness is not hiding, hissing or hating.

 

 

 

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Why Do We Fight?, Part 1: The Source of Our Conflicts

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Why Do We Fight?, Part 1: The Source of Our Conflicts Paul Tautges

Why Do We Fight Part One

As Karen Carpenter pondered the painful moments of being in and out of love, her mellow voice painfully cried out, “Can’t we stop hurting each other?”

Deep within the human heart are self-loving desires that are so strong and so determined to be satisfied that, when thwarted, lead to conflicts with those who get in the way of their fulfillment. How can we counsel each other to identify and repent of these hidden desires and to esteem others as better than ourselves?

Why We Don’t Get Along

Instead of building each other up, our flesh often produces words and actions that lead to “making each other cry, breaking each other’s heart, tearing each other apart.” Why is that? James 4:1-3 gives us the reason: What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members? You lust and do not have; so you commit murder. And you are envious and cannot obtain; so you fight and quarrel. You do not have because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures.

James answers his own question about the source of habitual quarrels. They are caused by inward pleasures. The Greek word is the same as that from which we get our word “hedonism,” which “denotes the enjoyment derived from the fulfillment of one’s desires, or, as here, the craving for the pleasure itself…the yearnings of self-love” (Hiebert). Earlier in his letter, James reveals the origin of sinful temptations as the enticement of our own lust (1:14).

Scripture never allows us to shift the blame for our sin to anyone else. Our sin is always our responsibility. Regrettably, unlike Moses, we often choose “the passing pleasures of sin” (Hebrews 11:25) because self-exalting pleasure is exactly what our heart craves.

These self-centered desires “wage war” in our bodily “members” (cf. James 3:6). They cause great conflict inside of us that then spills into our relationships with others. Harry Ironside defined these strong desires as, “unrestrained and unlawful desires struggling for fulfillment in our very being.” Hiebert identifies these passions as “conflicting cravings, which throw the individual into inner turmoil, they are the expressions of the believer’s old nature seeking self-satisfaction.”

Why We Do What We Do

In other words, deep within the human heart are self-loving desires that are so strong and so determined to be satisfied that, when thwarted, lead to conflicts with those who get in the way of their fulfillment. “You lust and do not have; so you commit murder. And you are envious and cannot obtain; so you fight and quarrel” (James 4:2).

Jerry Bridges writes, “Resentment, bitterness, and self-pity build up inside our hearts and eat away at our spiritual lives like a slowly spreading cancer. All of these sinful inner emotions have in common a focus on self. They put our disappointments, our wounded pride, or our shattered dreams on the thrones of our hearts, where they become idols to us” (The Practice of Godliness).

Unlike Karen Carpenter, who did realize how much we hurt each other, but “without ever knowing why,” the Scriptures expose the why of what we do. Our resident lusts continually beg to be stroked and worshiped. And when others refuse to bow down and serve them and keep us exalted to the lofty place where we think we belong, our flesh is willing to wage war to get the respect we think we deserve. This is nothing short of idolatry.

Until we learn to ask the why questions, such as, “Why am I willing to murder my brother in the heart?” which is what anger is, we will never get to the root of our sins. Until we begin to see the hidden motives of our hearts, we will fail to see how Christ came to set us free from the “sins of the heart” just as much as our outward, habitual sins. And we will be less helpful than we could be in counseling one another. Thankfully, we have the Word of God, which is able to judge the thoughts and intentions of our deceptive hearts (Hebrews 4:12).

The Rest of the Story

But how do we identify these sinful, selfish desires? And what do we do once we become aware of them? Return for Part Two: Repenting of Idolatrous Desires.

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Five “Benefits” of Unforgiveness (Then the Better Way)

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Five “Benefits” of Unforgiveness by: Paul Tripp (Then the Better Way)

Shel Boese / Shelby Boese – I know of  so-called Christians who really live like spiritual zombies just to hate, live in un-forgiveness and keep getting their identity from judging someone who did not live up to their expectations (of course THEY can’t live up to their expectations – or are blind to their faults – equally sinful.)

——

Why don’t people just forgive? That is a very good question. If forgiveness is easier and more beneficial, why isn’t it more popular? The sad reality is that there is short-term, relationally destructive power in refusing to forgive. Holding onto the other’s wrongs gives us the upper hand in our relationship. We keep a record of wrongs because we are not motivated by what honors God and is best for others but by what is expedient for ourselves.

Five Dark “Benefits” of Unforgiveness

  1. Debt is power. There is power in having something to hold over another’s head. There is power in using a person’s weakness and failure against him or her. In moments when we want our own way, we pull out some wrong against us as our relational trump card.
  2. Debt is identity. Holding onto another’s sin, weakness, and failure makes us feel superior to them. It allows us to believe that we are more righteous and mature than they are. We fall into the pattern of getting our sense of self not by the comfort and call of the gospel but by comparing ourselves to another. This pattern plays into the self-righteousness that is the struggle of every sinner.
  3. Debt is entitlement. Because of all the other person’s wrongs against us, he or she owes us. Carrying these wrongs makes us feel deserving and therefore comfortable with being self-focused and demanding. “After all I have had to endure in relationship with you, don’t I deserve . . . ?”
  4. Debt is weaponry. The sins and failures that another has done against us become like a loaded gun that we carry around. It is very tempting to pull them out and use them when we are angry. When someone has hurt us in some way, it is very tempting to hurt them back by throwing in their face just how evil and immature they are.
  5. Debt puts us in God’s position. It is the one place that we must never be, but it is also a position that all of us have put ourselves in. We are not the judge of others. We are not the one who should dispense consequences for other’s sin. It is not our job to make sure they feel the appropriate amount of guilt for what they have done. But it is very tempting to ascend to God’s throne and to make ourselves judge.

The Ugly Lifestyle of Selfishness

This is nasty stuff. It is a relational lifestyle driven by ugly selfishness. It is motivated by what we want, what we think we need, and by what we feel. It has nothing to do with a desire to please God with the way we live with one another, and it surely has nothing to do with what it means to love others in the midst of their struggle to live God’s way in this broken world.

It’s also scarily blind. We are so focused on the failures of others that we are blind to ourselves. We forget how often we fail, how much sin mars everything we do, and how desperately we need the grace that we are daily given but unwilling to offer to others. This way of living turns the people in our lives into our adversaries and turns the locations where we live into a war zone.

Yet, we have all been seduced by the power of unforgiveness. We have all used the sin of another against him or her. We have all acted as judges. We have all thought we are more righteous than the people around us. We have all used the power of guilt to get what we want when we want it and in so doing have not only done serious damage to the fine china of our relationships, but have demonstrated how much we need forgiveness.

Forgiveness Is a Much Better Way

It seems almost too obvious to say, but forgiveness is a much better way. The grace of our salvation is the ultimate argument for this truth. Forgiveness is the only way to live in an intimate, long-term relationship with another sinner. Forgiveness is the only way to negotiate through the weakness and failure that will daily mark your relationships. It is the only way to deal with hurt and disappointment. Forgiveness is the only way to have hope and confidence restored. It is the only way to protect your love and reinforce the unity that you have built. Forgiveness is the only way not to be kidnapped by the past. It is the only way to give your relationships the blessing of fresh starts and new beginnings.

Grace, forgiving grace, really is a much, much better way. So, isn’t it wonderful to know that you have not only been called to forgive, but you have also been graced with everything you need to answer this call?

 

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